Time runs out
Those words seemed so sincere
and I've been so lonely here
I find myself lost in escape

Marked by hands I held as my anchor
But in your shallow sea I drown

I can still hear the trees
at my back and haunting me.
Unafraid, unaffected,
this has all gone so wrong.
Under this December sky,
I walked away compromised,
counting steps, of what's left
to bring this all to an end

Outside you will find the ring that once belonged to me
(Just give me one reason why
well maybe some other time)
Sharing space with her face
(You think this all is a game,
it's not a game to me)
pictures on the drivers seat


So now we we will both kill the messenger
It's such a blur
you didn't even see
this meant everything to me

Invisible, plans you made
deconstruct me
Tethered to the dream of you
but disappearing

If it's gray then
just leave it
some colors start bleeding
So guard yourself
that's what my folks used to say
Defended your secrets
claiming past loves and regrets
The ambition was hidden
to shield yourself from the blame

Outside you will find the ring that once belonged to me
(Just give me one reason why
well maybe some other time)
Sharing space with her face
(You think this all is a game,
it's not a game to me)
pictures on the drivers seat

Your failing words once moved heaven and earth
But now they can't make me believe

Invisible, plans you made
deconstruct me
Tethered to the dream of you
but disappearing

Those words seemed so sincere,
in this shallow sea I drown.

You want to run and hide to catch your breath
(This can't be happening)
But why don't you come inside and capture all that's left
(This can't be happening)
Capture all that's left
(Oh, but this is happening)
I don't want to wait for this
A ruined list, the longing kiss
Making all the moments last
As if we had, the sentiment

Yearning for the sound
Breaking from the crowd
Leaving all the cynics
Racing for the finish

Time runs
Time runs
Time runs
time runs out

If I should die
if I should.

old (paper) journal entry's

2/6/2005

Forever isn't long enough and the smiles are so difficult to fake. What do I have to do, or who do I have to kill to get what I want, what I need. Happiness is an emotion I was born into this world without. Nothing pleases me, I cannot be satiated. Through this toil I will bleed my own distress and destroy my best hopes, fuck up the only things I love. I watches my dreams crash to the ground, but I meant well. Tried so hard. I tried, I tried, I really tried. But the icicles hung down like prison bars and I lost the will to fight. I break fat to often. Please forgive me for what I've done to you, please don't stay mad at this setting sun. I'll make mistakes and learn from them too. It's far too late to say I'm sorry so I'll live with what I've done It's a ripple effect and one day will make me a better person. You have to fall in order to learn how to get back up. I had the best escape plan but even the best go wrong once in awhile. There's room in my life for many more trips to the moon. I'll fall on my ass a hundred and more times and I'll get back up to do it over again. I'll make mistakes, pick the wrong crowds, and follow them to. In the end I'll figure it all out. I'll just live and learn. And love and one day die.

Love it all.
The fear.
The excitement.
The will.
The power to fix, change.
The unworthiness.
The hurt.
FEELINGS,
the euphoric feelings.
The anger.
The movement.
The wholeness.
It is known,
as life.

I've got this big, big hole in my heart. And no one seems to fit. No not even you.

It's not that I am scared to love you, because I have. And still do with all my heart.
I'm not scared of commitment because I committed three years of my life to you. I don't care if everyone thinks were together or not or makes fun of the relationship we share, with or without ties.
I am more scared to walk completely away, because I don't think there is any one out there that will love me and do the things you do for me, the way you do. I am scared to re-commitment to you because I am scared of the control you once had. The leverage you once took above me. And the hurt you put me through. I am scared of that taking you back, in all means of those words, that I will be taking steps back in stead of forward in life. I am stuck in the middle of love and hate, and it's got my heart torn. I can't help but to use everything against you. While at the same time praise you for taking care of me with whole heart. I know you say things are different, and that you are different, and that you love me, and things have changed: I see that. But I fell for those words three years ago, and It has left me here. You are still so close yet I feel so lonely. I guess that is my fault because I refuse to take you back as my championship. But I am not ready, and I can't tell you if I ever will be. I don't know how long it takes to heal, I just don't fucking know. I feel like we've been stuck in 'OK' mode. And nothing is really OK. We stay together, you take care of me, we sleep in the same bed, we still go out to dinner together. We do basically everything couples would do but without the tie, and that's the only thing keeping my mind at ease. Because as soon as it's mentioned that were back together I fall off. I am terrified of being the fool, again. I'd rather keep you looking like the fool, and that's just plain ole' foolish. I guess I was never any good at making choices. And the choices I make, always seem to be the bad ones. I don't want to have to make the choices anymore. I want things to just work there way out, on there own. I want someone else to have the plan for my life, because I don't know anymore. The only thing I know is that changes and choices need to be made.

You had this problem, and that problem has now turned in to a problem of mine. And I can't help but to be heart broken. I can't help but to feel nothing. I can't help but to feel so distant from you. I know you feel bad for what was done. Buy I can't help but to block it out of my mind, and not care anymore. No wait actually it has effected me so much, that I just can't help but not to care anymore. My actions are my actions now, and I don't have to think about you - nor what you think about it. It was all your fault to begin with. I'll sit right here and never tell. Nothing will save me now. Nothing will change, because I'm just not here. I'm empty and so beautiful. I'm haunted by these horrible memory's, and yet so beautiful. I'll still take the time to thank you for everything that was said and done - because as much as I'll drown myself, I know I'll still make it out alive and better than ever. I am the true definition of the living dead. And I can't help but to love every second of it.

I know that I often come off as a strong bitter person, but truth is I am weak at the core. I am a real human being, and today I hurt. I've worked all these years tearing down others walls: and not once did I stop to notice how thick I was building my own. I feel so isolated, so lonely, so cold. Today I stand on the edge of that cliff, and I am about to take a huge leap in my life, and not turn back. I am terrified. Yes I know, it is a good decision, I know I will prosper, I know that I will do fine. BUT I also feel terribly empty. I have one best friend and he wants so much more than what I can offer, and one real friend who is in another state with a life of her own. I understand that I have a wonderful family that will obviously do any and everything for me, but it doesn't seem to be enough - nor the same in a sense. I feel like I've got the weight of the world resting on my shoulders, and I don't know if I am ready to take it on. I've lost all this weight and I still can't bear to hold my shoulders upright and my head up high and feel like the confident female I've worked and strive to be. It's almost as all of these events are being thrown at me at one time, and I just can't accept it. The fact that it is, over. The fact that I am beautiful. The fact that I will be fine. The fact that this is not the ending but just the beginning. The fact that almost three years have passed, and three more will soon too pass. The fact that I am 20 and graduating college. I guess life in general is all too much for anyone at times. And in all reality mines been pretty easy, and the parts that were rough - well I guess that's just being alive. It's all just inner conflicts really, it's just I've had so much going on lately with myself and my life: and I really don't have anyone to share it with. Because the best of me I foolishly gave away. And I am working so fucking hard to get it back, and I can't help but to slip on the ice. I'll just end this like Candace would and say if this is all apart of gods plan, I don't get it. And I sure the hell don't like it, but I won't leave without a fight.

I'm angry and anxious
Annoyed with my inability to articulate my emotions
I'm broken and bitter
From the beating and burdens of love
I'm cautious and cold
Careful to keep composure
I'm disappointed, discontent
Desperate to be desired but too disconnected
I'm fake and falling further from who I am
Fearing fate might fuck me over
I might be glowing at first glance
But grief is growing in my gut
I'm heavy from hatred
And hopeless by nature
Hanging on purely out of habit
I'd trade intelligence for ignorance
This insecurity and indecision needs to end
My joy and jubilance is rehearsed
Just like on screen
I'm the kind of girl who keeps you on your toes
I'm longing for love
But I let lust be enough to get me by
I might be melodramatic
Most people just misread my misery for mystery
Your narrow minded nature is the cause of my neglect
Cause I'm not within your standards of normalcy
I'm open to your outrage
And objections to my style
I'm not passive with my point of view
I can pick your precious world apart
I'm quirky, rarely quiet
Never quick to judge
I'm rough around the edge
I'm scared to silence my sensible side
Spite keeps me from submission
I'm tired of trying
The tedious tasks in life have gotten to me
I'm ugly underneath
I let it stay unknown to those around
I'm vulnerable and hollow
The vast gaps and voids are permanent
I was a wild-eyed child who saw the wicked in the world
And I won't ever be wide-eyed again
I was young and expendable

You saw opportunity.

Its time to dig out these fucking scars - the scars that ruined your whole life.
Why is it people don't think about the consequences that come with there actions in till it is served to them, like shit on a silver platter? It's pretty sad that's what it takes to make someone realize everything they had right in front of them, the entire time. Why does it always have to be the brink of an ending or even the ending itself for someone to realize all that they had. Why change now, what the fucks different this time - oh "now you know what you had." Should of fucking thought about that before it was gone. I don't want to talk about the fucking future we have or don't have - all it does is remind me of the reasons we don't have one. Can I not live life right now for me. Sorry if being a friend at this point in time isn't good enough for you, but I don't have that crystal ball. And if a friendship isn't good enough after everything you've fucking put me through, well than fuck you. Cause you don't deserve much more at this point, I think you should be grateful. I love how it's always about you. And about how I don't care anymore, and I don't love you enough to give you another chance - well you know what you should of thought about that when it was you who didn't care enough to think about the woman you "loved" back home, as you fucked up everything. You know I never mean to make you feel like a piece of shit, I try to be a bigger person. I just don't know how much more of this I can take before I walk completely away, and really waste another 2 years of existence. And just a friendly reminder, I never asked for any of this.

I keep having the same re-occuring nightmare, and each night it gets more and more vivid.

I fashion a noose so perfectly around my throat as if I were putting on a precious diamond necklace,
I gently pull the knot down against the back of my neck. Than I stand on a red plastic (vinyl like) glittery chair:
you know like something you'd see in the sixties. Than I kick the chair from underneath me and hang myself. Oddly it doesn't end there, blood starts pouring from my eyes and mouth all over the floor and than my clenched fist come undone and a piece of crumbled up paper slowly falls from one hand into the puddle of blood on the ground and reads

"say a fucking prayer."

I one either need to stop listening to suicide silence so much, two stop falling asleep to death metal period, or three turn this into a sick piece of artwork.

They say that exact opposites attract if that's a fact it will take task force to get you back.

I feel like I am drowning,
and my nose it right above the water
I'm just waiting for that little push under.
Sometimes I wish: I could go somewhere where nobody could find me, not even me.
I want to be as far away from me as I can get.
Sometimes I want to hold my breath for as long as it takes, I want to stop breathing just long enough to know what it would be like to be totally still,
like being a cough away from death not really there- not really here.
Sometimes I remember having all of the answers than I remember lying to myself.
Tonight I'll blow my carefully constructed disguise to smithereens.
My flesh is peeling back and my carcass is drying out,
you've picked me to fucking pieces,
& it was bound to happen.
My brains to exposed, you already know more than you should.
Stop reading. Stop analyzing.

Have you ever had the sensation of losing flesh? You being to feel the bone of your skeleton, under your flesh. Bones of the shoulders... Bones of the ribcage... Bones of the hips. It is like finding a new being, one free of desire, free of time.
Don't you love it when you get that feeling?
That feeling of crawling out of your own skin.

This is all old writing, but 20 years and this is where I am again.

I remember when all the games began. Remember every little lie and every last goodbye. Promises you broke, words you choked on and I never walked away. Its still a mystery to me Well I'm so empty I'm better off without you and you're better off without me. Well you're so UNCLEAN!! I'm better off without you and YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME!! Paint the mirrors black (to forget you) I still picture your face and the way you used to taste. Roses in a glass dead and wilted. To you this all was nothing, everything to you is nothing Well you're so filthy... I'm better off without you and you're better off without me. Well I'm so UGLY!! You're better off without me and I'M BETTER OFF WITHOUT!!! As wicked as you are...you're beautiful to me. You're the darkest burning star, your MY PERFECT DISEASE! THE LYING!! THE BLEEDING!! THE SCREAMING!!! WAS TEARING ME APART!! THE HATRED!! THE BEATINGS!! IT'S OVER!!! DISASTER!! I'll still love you till the day i die. But apart of me has died inside and nothing is as hard and that first time, and the days only get easier.

My hands shake.
All I hear is that sound …

Rattle,
Rattle.

Breathe, calmly,
Keep it together.

Rattle,
Rattle.

‘Don’t cry.
Don’t let your mind wonder.

Ignore the voices.
Take your pills,
It’ll be alright.’

I take in a shaky breath,
Almost on cue,
I start to sob.
Hysterically.

I throw the bottles within my hands,
CRASH!

I hear them smash into the wall,
They spill everywhere.

CRASH!
I fall,
And hit the ground.

I curl, sobbing.
I look towards my pills,
So many,
Too many.

They’re …
All over the place.

Little reminders to me,
Of all the reasons,
Why I need them.

Little reminders,
Of all the pain,
And the suffering,
It’s all …
Burned into my memories.

I don’t need them!
I’m losing myself to them!
They … own me.
Torment me.

My vision is going black,
I hear them whisper quietly.

My voices,
My personal hell,
All within my mind.

“You’re worthless.”
“Hated.”
“Unloved.”
“Just die …”

They bring … back memories.

Their words … hurt …
They sting.
They … strangle me.

I reach my hand towards the pills,
Blindly,
Unwillingly.

So far away …

I feel …surges of pain,
My hand coils back and,
I scream.

I regret not taking them now,
I need them!

Someone help me!

My body shakes.
I seizure.
I scream.
I cough up blood.

What is wrong with me?
Why can’t I be normal?

Why am I hated like this?
Did … did I do something wrong?


Why do I need … pills …
To make everything better …?

Through my pain,
I hear a panicked scream,
I hear someone run over,
Someone lifts me from the floor.

I remember,
Slowly,
That someone does care …

Someone … does love me …
Why did he hurt like this?!

My world has gone black,
I can’t … stay awake …

“Breath!”
He cries.

I … I can’t …

All because ...
I didn't take my ...
Pills ....

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

I FUCKING HATE IT HERE. I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. WHEN I AM IN THIS HOUSE MY ANXIETY CUP FLOWING OVER.

I can't stand to stay in this fucking house. I can't stand to be surrounded by four walls that are not mine to call home, anymore. I can't stand that every single belonging in this house is mine - yet I still feel captive. I can't stand hearing the same fucking thing over and over and over again. Fuck my life. Fuck the life you made for me. Fuck being near you and thinking about it. Fuck anxiety. Fuck being shaky and weak. FUCK ME.

I took you to you
That's what you wanted
I think I did a good job
You got mad when I left you there
You cursed me
For the stench of your trash
Well, it's all you now
Sooner or later you'll see
The sun shines outside the sewer
It's easy to come away empty-handed when you don't reach out
It's hard to believe you when you say you're choking
When you have your hands around someone else's throat
It's all you and you now
If you lean too far to one side, you will fall
You'll have to pick yourself up off the floor of your soul
Scar tissue is stronger than normal flesh
It's all you for you now
All things inside
The poison
The medicine
All in you for you

When I look at you
I want to destroy your smile
It sits on your face like a lie
You look good
I want to know the truth about you
I want to get close to you
When, I do you see that I see through you
Your heart beats like a small bird
You know me well
That's why you can't handle me
It hurts me to act a fool
Pretend I don't see you for what you are
All of you keep me on the outside
I want to believe your lies
Turn myself off and feel you
But I can't stop seeing through
All of you.

Your whole life you can be told something is wrong and so you believe it. I'll be inside the one who holds you - and then i won't be.